After much debate and thought, I have decided to re-light the fuse to the Dynamite and start writing more frequently. I set the pledge that I will try to do at least one long piece a week, and a few short ones as time (and the insanity of this world) allows. To kick start my new writing career, I have decided to propose a new holiday for the United States (and hopefully, someday the world) to get behind and follow with the same gusto we celebrate Christmas in December, Independence Day in July and National Rutabaga Month in June
I kicked a lot of ideas around. Aside from my own warped mind, I bounced some thoughts off of Greg, my gay best friend, Jorje, the local supermarket checkout guy and Captain Cuddleroo, my adorable cat. Although their input was helpful (Captain Cuddleroo’s suggestion of a National Neuter-your-dog day was very high in the running) I decided to settle on something close to my heart and settled on “Stab a Douchebag Day.”
First, a little history. The term douchebag was first used circa 1685 (seriously). From the name, one would logically assume that a douchebag is a bag for storing all of your douches (douchi? douchines? Whatever) so they don’t sit around collecting dust and cluttering up your bedroom. However, logic has never been connected to the English language and shame on your for forgetting that. As such, a douchebag is in reality a very personal item used by women to clean out their, shall we say “Sarlacc Pits.”
Although the popularity of douche bags has waned in the medical world (seriously, unless directed by a doctor, don’t use them ladies) the term itself has been picked up by the world at large as an insult of choice, feuled largely through extensive use on light night cable shows such as The Daily Show and Colbert Report. Due to this upsurge in popularity, many people (myself included) are starting to see the dangers of having douchebags near them at all times. This leads to near supernatural levels of what I call “douchebag rage.” Most people tend to bottle this rage up inside, causing blockage that can lead to spontaneous violent events. Armed with this knowledge, historians now believe that many brutal crackdowns are a result of extreme douchebag rage including the Tienanmen square tank mobilization of 1989, the 1968 Democratic Convention riots and even the Salem Witch Trials (Giles Corey was a total ye olde douchebag).
In an effort to prevent these rage outbursts, I have decided on a novel idea to prevent it. The first ever National Stab a Douchebag Day. Here’s how it works: Say there’s a douchebag in your life who constantly bothers you. For example, lets say he constantly barges into your cubicle while you’re trying to masturbate to transgendered midget porn to discuss the latest episode of Duck Dynasty… Whatever, I’m speaking in hypotheticals here. During the first three weeks of September (known as the registration period), you can complete paperwork to have this person legally declared a douche (All paperwork must be received by your local Office of Douchebag Affairs by the 3rd Friday of the month to be considered). Once the office gives the official OK, this douchebag is now an official target. Then, on September 30th, that person is fair game for a stabbing. Simple right?
Now don’t get too excited, there are some rules. First, you only have one chance at this, no stalking someone all day. Second, you have to attack them face to face. Only a pussy stabs somebody in the back (pun intended). Second, and this is important, you have to stab in a non vital area: Upper arms, lower legs, and buttocks area only. We’re not trying to kill them, just teach them that their douchbagginess is not acceptable in polite society. Finally, you can’t get crazy with the knives: Only a standard, non-serrated, singled edged blade under four inches. This is not the time to whip out the machetes or put your officially licensed Hellraiser proctology kit to practical use. Again, just trying to send a message, not get good footage for the snuff film fetish society.
To conclude: I really really really think this would be a great leap forward in our society. Just think of all the people who annoy your that would be out of your life…. If not permanently, as least while that nasty stab wound clears up. Plus, the merchandizing alone would pump billions of dollars into the economy and the crime scene clean up industry would see a boom like no other in history (except perhaps after the invention of the automatic weapon). This is a proposal that could revolutionize modern life. So please, all my loyal readers…… and any non-loyal readers……. and anyone who got this page thinking it was some kind of explosives related porn site. Rush over to We The People and start a petition today.
Do it for yourselves, do it for your country, do it for Captain Cuddleroo!
But most importantly, do it because these douchebags have got to go.